Should Marriage Minded Women Settle?

Have you ever felt like you should just settle for Mr. He'll-Do-For-Now? Would you be able to tell if you were indeed settling? Have your friends told you that you're too picky? Are you fearful that you might have to give up on your dreams because your biological clock is ticking and you're running out of options?

As you get older you will notice that you are dating more infrequently. Don't panic! This is totally natural. You're probably already aware that your tolerance for certain people, places and things has drastically changed in the last several years. Think about your tastes in food and wine. Even that has changed. Your palette has been refined. You seek out quality as opposed to quantity. Your time is valuable so your choices have to be made carefully.

The same goes for your choices in men. It's not your age that is holding you back, it's your experience - for better or worse. 

Some women have created their wish lists or vision boards. Now, I'm not against this. I just believe that life happens when you're busy making plans so it's a good idea to be flexible. The worst thing you can do for yourself is look through GQ Magazine and paste the picture of your ideal guy to the board that hangs on your wall.
Remember when you played with paper dolls as a child?
They were fun but two-dimensional cut outs because that was all we could handle at that time. We weren't fully developed. Our young brains could only relate to pictures and images.

The problem with creating “love life” lists is this: They create a stagnant two-dimensional picture of your future and it locks you in. Some women have already decided who they're going to marry and what their life will look like. They MUST end up with that tall, gorgeous, light-eyed dream guy from their fantasy list/dream board. He’ll have a full head of hair, and be a titan of industry in some cool, creative field. They’ll buy a waterfront country home, and they’ll spend ½ their time in the city, with their 2 children and their adorable dog (boy: Jackson; girl: Chase. Jack Russell: Pete).
Here’s the catch. If these women don’t find their 6’3, blue-eyed dark-haired super cool titan, do they settle for less? Do they give up the dream?
Yes and no. First of all, let's define the word SETTLE.
Is it settling to grow up and realize that some of those things just aren't as important to you as they used to be?
Is it settling to end up with Hank, the not-so-gorgeous semi-balding guy who works in finance, but makes your skin tingle and your heart melt? Sure he’s allergic to terriers, hates living in the city, but he has a heart of gold, treats you like a queen, shares your values and goals, makes you laugh and loves your mother. (AND you have amazing chemistry.)

Settling? I think not.
Settling is giving up on your goals, values and choosing a man that doesn't treat you well or isn't concerned about your emotional and physical well-being.
Settling is choosing a man out of fear because you're so afraid something better doesn't exist because you're approaching 35 or 40 and Mr. Prince Charming hasn't arrived yet. 
Settling is forgetting your need for great sex and passion with your partner because you think you have to go without in order to find a stable man.
Rubbish!!
Take a good long look inside and ask yourself if you have a little girl fantasy list that is holding you back.

Take a risk. Choose to be open-minded. You can never be accused of being "too picky" if your heart and mind are aligned.

Be smart, be open, be vulnerable, be honest with yourself and make your choices from the abundant and willing part of your heart.
Take all things superficial off the list and focus on what is key to a lasting and healthy relationship. Let go of the arbitrary limitations of your dream board and open yourself up to the three-dimensional adventure of life. If you do, you’ll get more than you ever could have imagined.

We discussed this topic on The Dr. Phil Show. Check it out. Segment airs Friday, October 2nd. Check your local listings.

Single In Your 30's

Hi again!

There has been quite a bit going on .
Spring is definitely in the air! New relationships are beginning and the economy is certainly creating a new focus on everyone's personal life. This can only be a good thing!

Quick updates:

I led a Single in the 30's focus group for Good Morning America last week which aired this morning. What a fascinating experiment this was. We interviewed 4 men in their 30's. I asked them what they liked, needed, wanted and just how serious were they about finding a life partner.

4 women were behind a two way mirror watching and listening to everything the men said. The men had no idea they were there and after my interview, the ladies were asked to come in and join the men for a real, honest discussion.

Here is what we learned:
Women in their 30's were feeling frustrated that men were only dating women in their 20's. The men seemed to be career focused and not really searching for a wife. They all did say they would like a great relationship, however, I can tell you that they were just not ready. It was abundantly clear by the choices they were making. What can you do about this? Don't assume that just because someone is in their 30's that they have reached a relationship maturity level.

Love and relationship do not always equal marriage. Two different game plans people!

Most men start reaching this age of looking for a partner closer to the age of 40. Not so true in every city in the world, but most definitely in the bigger cities such as NY, LA and SF.

For the men out there- you stand a better chance for survival in a relationship if you date a woman closer to 30 and above. Just like you, women need their time to grow up as well. Choose to young and you might just end up with a completely different woman in 10 years.

I'll be posting the segment from Good Morning America soon on my Beyer and Company website so stay tuned. www.beyerandcompany.com

In the meantime, you can check out my dating tips from the segment:

http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=7029514

To your dating success!
April Beyer

Red Hot Valentine's Day Party!!!

One of the least romantic days of the year can be Valentine's Day…Yes, you read that right! The majority of men – unfortunately - act like robots, purchasing flowers and chocolate for their sweethearts because that is what everyone else is doing. Many people celebrate the day out of obligation rather than celebration. But that doesn’t have to be… no not at all.

This Valentine’s Day, avoid the cheesy crowds and disgruntled waiters and wow your friends by hosting a themed cocktail party not just for your sweetheart but for all those you consider sweet; or for your single gal pals, host a "girls night in" featuring red and pink drinks along with some greatttttt chick flicks. Oh and lots of chocolate-y things of course.

Your invitees will be thankful that their evening is pre-planned and no one will be left feeling disappointed just because that special someone forgot to make reservations at their favorite bistro. Make it relaxed for certain but make it special as well. Everyone will have such a blast that this party will sure to be an annual soiree.

When it comes to setting the perfect dinner scene we have you covered. Red of course will be your theme for this party. Start by deciding on your centerpiece, and colorful candies can function as great party decor year-round, but they are especially appropriate for this party! For cute and super-easy, sizzling centerpieces, take two vases one smaller then the other, add candy to the outer vase – my favorite is Red Hots! Fill the inner vase halfway with water then just add flowers (red tulips or red roses are a great choice).

This modern, red candelabra not only will wow your guests but is a great focal point for your table.

For your table linens continue to think red, use our sparkle red runner and pair it with white napkins and red napkin rings. If you are on a budget then plain red wrapping paper can double as a runner and you can cut Valentine’s Day themed scrapbook paper into strips and wrap them around your napkins.

Candles, candles, candles! - don’t be shy when it comes to using candles for this party. They not only set the mood but also are another inexpensive way to decorate.

Fill kitchen canisters (or vases) with different kinds of candy like candy hearts, red hot tamales and gold kisses – they are colorful and festive and they are also perfect for guests to nibble on. Embellish the vases with a band of ribbon and a scrapbook sticker, and then sprinkle the table area around them with edible candy confetti. Yum!

Red vases filled with red tulips or roses are a great addition to set in various places around the house. Don’t forget to place a candle and floral arrangement in your bathroom since guests will be making an occasional visit to this room of course.

Happy St. Valentine's Day!

Find more entertaining inspiration at Social Couture, the premiere online party décor store.

The Responsiblity of Marriage

Think you’re ready for the commitment of marriage? If you find yourself longing to be married, really ask yourself: How ready am I?
After a decade of bringing couples together with many engagements and marriages to my credit, I finally experienced my own engagement a few weeks ago.
When my fiancé proposed, all I kept thinking was: “ Wow, this is it! This is the moment that I’ve helped create for so many others!” Time stood still, or at least it felt like it. We were looking at the beautiful San Francisco bay. It was surreal. Perfect. Amazing.
I was filled with emotion, love, joy, surprise and all the other emotions that come with being proposed to. More importantly, I felt calm. Confident. Ready.
Ready to love this man. I felt ready to be responsible for him, as he has promised to be for me.
We are ready to take care of one another, no matter what. We will be combining families, lifestyle, finances and the big unknown: Our future.
Being in love with someone is an amazing experience and one to be celebrated.
However, just because you love someone and that feeling is returned, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ready for the adult world of marriage. Ask anyone who is married or has been through a divorce. It’s a partnership. It’s a team.

More and more people are waiting to walk down the isle. No longer are the 20s the time to settle down. After all, people are living longer which means marriages will be lasting longer as well! Why the hurry?

We all know people that got caught up in the romance and decided to marry much to young to only end up divorced by the age of 40.
Marriage requires experience. This means you have dated, loved and lost. You’ve fine-tuned your needs and learned about yourself through all of your relationships. Remember, nothing has been a waste. Every person you have met has been a part of shaping your future.
Everyone thinks they want or deserve to be married, but many are not willing to do the personal work and grow as individuals first. It’s tantamount to saying you’d like your MBA, but you’d prefer not to go to school.

My time has come. I knew it would, which is why I never worried along the way when I hadn't yet found the love of my life. I really enjoyed my single years and lived each moment to the fullest.

Now that I have found him, I am ever so grateful that I did not make this decision prior to this time. He is the right man. He was worth the wait.
As a Matchmaker and Relationship Coach, I am often asked why I haven’t been married. My answer is simple and honest.
I was always a great girlfriend, but only now am I ready to be a wife.
Since I was not ready to be married, I chose men that were only boyfriend material.
There’s nothing wrong with that. I was fortunate to have had great guys in my life.
Just be aware that your choices are your own. If you are picking men that aren’t ready, it just might be that you are not as ready as you think you are. This is a big pill to swallow, I know. It’s only in assuming responsibility that you truly find freedom.

Until you are completely ready to be someone’s wife and all that comes with it, you need to know that the universe is taking care of you. Perhaps you aren’t married yet because you have work to do. Timing is everything. You can’t force it or make it happen just because you want it to. This is one time that you cannot impose your will to manifest change in your life.

As I look toward my future of being this man’s wife, I can feel the maturity that it will take to get us through the years. It’s a lot to take on.
My advice is to respect marriage and don’t enter into it until you yourself have matured. No one is going to come along and make you happy. Be happy on your own first. Trust me, you’ll attract a better partner.
If you are single right at this moment, enjoy it!! It won’t last. Love finds you and when it does, it happens quickly. Stop mourning your single status and get out and enjoy life, your friends, your individuality and your freedom. If you are constantly trying to find your future, you will be missing out on the precious moments life is offering you.

Looking for your Mate

It's been a while since my last post. Apologies! I have been busy writing my book and contributing to publications both on line and in print.

Just wanted to let you know what I have been up to.

Last week I did a private workshop for a group of women. All in attendance were smart, successful women. Women that were used to going out and getting what they wanted in life.

I noticed that the theme of the night was all about "looking for a mate" or "getting men to commit." I started thinking about this today and what keeps coming back is why are women actively "looking" or "seeking"? In fact, if you look at most on line profiles, you will see women stating this at the top of the profile they fill out. Girlseekinggreatguy38 so to speak.

Here is what I see that is wrong with this:
Women are working way too hard.
Love does not happen because you are looking for it. Great relationships do not come into your life simply because you are seeking out relationship.
I like to call it diffused focus. Keep your eyes and ears open, but take the work out of your search.
It's not necessary.
Sit back, relax and stop trying so hard. All you have to do is be happy, open and give a man a great smile when you lock eyes.
Yes, it's really that simple.

Dating Services- Are they for you?

There was a time when it was taboo to seek out a dating service or a matchmaking firm.
Times certainly have changed.
In the larger cities where connecting and meeting people is tantamount to climbing Mt. Everest, it's become a necessity more than a luxury. I will blame LA for much of this. Unlike San Francisco, New York City, Chicago and other great cities, we really don't have a sense of community in L.A. Women and men spend about 2 hours per day in the car, not to mention a minimum of 8-14 hours per day working.

Where are singles to go? To the classified section to find a dating service, of course. Nothing wrong with that. As a Matchmaker myself, I have seen major benefits from hiring someone like me.
Could you benefit from hiring someone to assist you in your dating journey?
Perhaps yes. Perhaps no.
I will tell you that it works for some people, but not for all. Remember, a Matchmaker or a dating service cannot create romance, luck or marriage for you. They can't make someone like you, fall in love with you or make the opposite sex think you are gorgeous, engaging and funny.

Think of your matchmaker as your agent or publicist. If you aren't marketable, there is nothing they can really do for you. If a job is not available, you aren't going to get the audition. If you aren't right for the role, you aren't going to get the call.

Simply signing a contract and writing a check is not enough. You must bring something worthwhile to the table.

Keep in mind that dating services are quite different than matchmaking firms. One is not such a financial investment and the other caters to a smaller, more elite crowd.

Generally, what you pay for, is what you get.

Saving money on a less expensive service will hurt you more than help you. Remember, if the fee is low, they must take on many, many clients per month in order to maintain the overhead.
If you are like most people, you aren't going to want to get lost in the shuffle.

Men generally do very well with matchmaking services, especially the ones that do not require women to join. It makes the matching more ethical this way. Far too many men, especially successful men, get "used" for dates in some of these agencies. Simply due to the fact that there are so many female clients that have paid and are in need of a date. Don't let this happen to you.

If the amount you pay a company is not going to break the bank, then go ahead and give it a try.
Do yourself a favor and do not join a company if it is a financial hardship. You will be connecting every date, whether positive or negative to the amount you paid. Not a good way to look at it and simply not productive or realistic.

If you are going to hire a service, put your best foot forward and give them something to work with! That means, take a good look at yourself- inside and out.
You should feel good, look good and radiate a positive attitude.
Above everything else, make sure you are ready.
Be careful what you wish for! You just might be introduced to someone amazing through any number of services. You have only one chance to make a first impression.
This is your life. Only you can create happiness in your life. You won't end up with a great relationship because you think you deserve one.
It's a Matchmaker's job to get you introductions. That is all. The rest is up to you!

CBS and Women's Lib

Well, it seems as though I have stirred things up a bit with my recent television appearance on CBS.
I am a big believer that women's lib did wonders for our careers, but it did absolutely nothing for our dating lives and relationships!
Yes, you heard it from me. No wavering here. Is it possible that the women's movement had all the right intentions and the tide took it out to a place that it was never intended to go? I think so.

We now have all of the responsibilities of men without any of the benefits of being a woman.
Believe me, men are confused and quite frankly, a little angry. They no longer open doors and treat us in the way they used to.
Men not walking women to their cars, sitting back in an idle fashion and allowing the 'modern' woman to pursue. Not taking the time to get to know or court a woman, because sex is so readily available from the women that are competitive and "sexually liberated." We've painted ourselves into a dark corner ladies and it's time to redecorate.
Look at the older generation of men. They actually loved taking care of women and found it their pleasure to do so. They wanted to provide. Younger men need to take a cue from some of the more seasoned and experienced men out there.

Originally, the movement was created to deal with issues such as reproductive rights, domestic violence, maternity leave, equal pay and a whole host of other worthwhile and powerful ideas. Yes to all of that!
However, I don't think the original intention was to lose everything that we ARE good at along with all of the joys and perks that come with being a woman. We have different strengths that's all. One is not better than the other. Just different. If we keep trying to blend our differences, we will all end up with a very vanilla existence. Personally, I like a bit more flavor in my ice cream bowl.

Oh and by the way, just so you don't think I'm sitting in the burbs with my mini van, carpool, PTA meetings and sporting a floral pattern apron permanently sealed to my hips:
I'm a woman in my 30's living in Los Angeles. I have a career. I make my own money. I run a business. I like being successful.
None of these things make me stop being a girl. Nor am I able to use this as an excuse which I find so many women do.
We've all heard it: "I'm successful, so therefore I'm single because I intimidate men."
It's not easy, I will confess. I have to work harder to "clock out" at the end of the day, then the girl that works at the local coffee house. No offense to those women, it's just that those of us that have chosen powerful careers have to learn the art of untangling ourselves from all of the negative that comes with all the good we do.
There is so much pressure on us to "have it all" and be superwomen, that we have watered ourselves down and women are looking and feeling exhausted, tough and not vibrant at all.
That's what men don't like. It's not our success that makes them go running for the hills.

Women out there are holding on to their so called independence like it's a life jacket and they've just been tossed off the Titanic into the icy waters. The rage that I am getting from women is huge when I discuss this topic. Which means, there is something here. Something to look at.
I don't want women to revert back to 1950. I want to go a step further and modernize what we have now. I want to redefine what feminine strength is. Why? Because whatever is happening out there isn't working and it certainly isn't making men and women happy. I have interviewed and worked with singles for over a decade. I've been responsible for many, many relationships and marriages. I hear first hand, every day what challenges singles are facing out there.

All of the women that challenge me on this topic, are generally the women that are for the most part, single and not happy about it. There is nothing wrong with being single. I have loved my single days as many modern women do. If you aren't happy about it and you want a relationship, then stop defending your position and listen up. Do you want to prove a point or do you want to love fully and be loved in return?
My segment on CBS became about picking up the check or offering to pay. This was just the superficial aspect of what we were discussing.
My intention was not to get women to sit back and be passive and just take from men.
I encourage all women to have the self confidence to know that they offer something unique and different to a man that has nothing to do with how much money she makes or how many times she offers to pay the tab.
Let's get a bit more creative here!
Relationships are being seriously threatened and have become more like business arrangements.
When my man treats me to a nice dinner or date, believe me, I feel powerful. Not weak. When I do for my man and nurture and protect him, I feel like a Greek Goddess, not a meek little mouse. Watch the movie '300' and you will get a good example of feminine strength. Read your history books. Talk to your grandparents about the time when men were men and women were women. A time when one's work ethic matched and rivaled the determination to stay together. A time when divorce wasn't as accessible as Starbuck's or McDonald's.
"Behind every great man is a great woman". We all know that quote.
This again, is about redefining what we consider strength.
A man taking you out does not mean that you have no say, no voice or no opinion. It simply means that you are able to relax into all things feminine and open your man to a world of endless joy and opportunity.